ALRIGHT so the headline is a lie. We just fake news-ed the shit out of you. Individual players outscoring the entire opposition team actually happens on a surprisingly regular basis.
But that doesn’t mean the Brisbane Lions don’t deserve to be booed and derided until our throats are sore and Luke Hodge moves back to Victoria in shame after three – YES THREE – Richmond players outscored them on Saturday.
Dustin Martin (6.0.36), Jason Castagna (3.2.20), and Jacob Townsend (3.0.18) all outperformed the Bears – sorry, Lions – who could only manage a mangy 2.5.17.
It was Brisbane’s lowest score ever in the Lions era, their equal-lowest score since the Bears came into existence, and it was the inspiration for this rubbish article, where we look at the 17 most recent occasions when someone from your club made the opposition look a little bit silly.
Taylor Walker 7.3 (45) defeated Brisbane Lions 6.8 (44), Round 21, 2015
*THE big Texan only kicked the ball 13 times in this humiliation of the Lions, but 10 of them went through for a score.
It was enough for him to snag the three Brownlow votes, mostly because the umpires wanted to reward him for doing away with the truly rubbish mullet.
Daniel Merrett 7.2 (44) defeated GWS Giants 5.10 (40), Round 8, 2012
*THIS is the only positive mention of Brisbane in this article, and it only exists because the Lions beat up on the baby Giants in their first season in the AFL.
We could continue to focus on Brisbane being awful, but it would be remiss of us not to mention that Daniel ‘Sauce’ Merrett only kicked 70 goals in his 200 game career, meaning he kicked 10% of all the sausage rolls he’d ever bag in this one game. The rest of the time he was playing down back, desperately trying to swat away attack after attack because the Lions were – and still are – rubbish.
Sorry, it’s just so hard not to take the piss out them.
Stephen Kernahan 10.7 (67) defeated Footscray 8.12 (60), Round 3, 1995
*OF the clubs that still exist, the Blues hold the second longest drought in this category, mostly because they’ve been woeful for more than 20 years.
Big Sticks was dominant on this day, getting the ball 25 times on his way to three Brownlow votes. It was a sign of things to come, as Carlton went on to win the premiership that year before the league found they were touching up the salary cap and took away their future draft picks.
But it was all worth it wasn’t it Carlton fans? Right?
Jarryd Blair 4.1 (25) and Travis Cloke 3.6 (24) defeated Port Adelaide 3.3 (21), Round 20, 2011
*ONE thing you’ll notice about these records is that many of them come near the end of the season, when one team has given up hope of finals and are dreaming of punching durries and insulting locals in Bali.
As was the case here, when Blair and Cloke teamed up to demoralise the lowly Power as the Magpies worked their way to the Grand Final. Which they lost. To Geelong. Jimmy be praised. Amen.
Matthew Lloyd 13.4 (82) defeated Sydney 9.14 (68), Round 3, 1999
*THE highest opposition score on this list and the most scoring shots, with this game only being remembered because Lloyd kicked straight and the Swans didn’t.
The Velvet Sledgehammer was unstoppable on his way to 13 goals from 26 disposals, and was awarded the three Brownlow votes for his effort.
On the other side of the stat sheet, Darryn Cresswell had 16 touches playing through midfield, Greg Stafford had 22 hitouts playing in the ruck, and Paul Kelly got the ball 19 times from high on the hill looking over the bridge to the MCG. Which we think is a pretty decent performance.
Alastair Lynch 7.4 (46) defeated Brisbane Bears 5.13 (43), Round 21, 1993
*SOME people would think it a cruel twist of fate that the last time a Lions player outscored the opposition was against their soon to be merged buddies the Bears – particularly given it was by a bloke who went on to become a Brisbane legend.
We just think it’s funny.
Hayden Ballantyne 5.2 (42) defeated Brisbane Lions 3.4 (22), Round 14, 2014
*ANOTHER appearance of the trusty old Lions as they allowed the usually dull Dockers to run all over them.
Interestingly enough, Daniel Merrett was one of Brisbane’s goal scorers in this game, meaning more than 10% of his career goals came in games where one person outscored the opposition.
We only mention this fact because we don’t like talking about Hayden Ballantyne.
Gary Ablett Sr 9.6 (60) defeated Melbourne 8.8 (56), Round 1, 1996
*IT’S genuinely surprising that no Geelong player has individually outscored an opponent in 22 years given the Cats’ domination in the 2000s.
Since 2007, Geelong has broken its winning margin records against Carlton, Collingwood, Fremantle, Melbourne, Port Adelaide, Richmond, West Coast, and the Bulldogs, yet in none of those games did one person do all the heavy lifting.
For his part, Ablett Sr outscored the opposition on several occasions, but this would be the last time he would do so as his career came to a shuddering and disappointing halt.
Jack Gunston 6.1 (37) defeated Carlton 4.11 (35), Round 17, 2015
*WE go ahead and skip the Giants and the Suns here because they’ve never had an individual outscore the opponent team, and instead look at Jack Gunston’s lesson in straight kicking against the Blues.
In what became a 138-point flogging of Carlton, more than half the team scored for the Hawks as they rolled on towards their third premiership in a row.
But at least those days are over aren’t they! Aren’t they? Are they not? Well. Shit.
Allen Jakovich 6.4 (40) defeated Brisbane Bears 4.6 (30), Round 5, 1994
*LIKE the Demons needed another drought record on their books.
It’s been 24 years since an individual went Ken Bruce on their opponent for the Demons, back when Allen Jakovich was the next big thing of the league.
One of the great wasted talents of the game, Jakovich would only go on to play 54 games, kicking a sensational 208 goals along the way.
NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS
Wayne Carey 8.3 (51) defeated Fremantle 7.5 (47), Round 20, 1998
*SOMETIMES it’s fun to go back and look at rubbish teams so you can take a trip down memory lane and think ‘Oh yeah! Matthew Clucas! I remember him! He was rubbish’.
Carey made this Dockers team look foolish in 1998, a team that included the likes of: Michael Brown (rubbish), Daniel Parker (rubbish), Tony Godden (rubbish), Brad Dodd (rubbish), and Trent Carroll (rubbish). Seriously, check it out. The entire team was rubbish.
PORT ADELAIDE POWER
Sam Gray 6.3 (39) and Charlie Dixon 4.1 (25) defeated Gold Coast 3.2 (20), Round 23, 2017
*PRINCESS Diana’s death. The attack on the Twin Towers. And Sam Gray’s six goals. We all remember where we were when they happened.
Honestly though, did this game even happen? It’s the most recent of all these matches apart from Brisbane’s capitulation on the weekend, and I can’t remember a thing about it. Is Sam Gray even a person? Is Round 23 even a thing?
There’s something fishy going on here.
Dustin Martin 6.0 (36), Jason Castagna 3.2 (20) and Jacob Townsend 3.0 (18) defeated Brisbane Lions 2.5 (17), Round 4, 2018
*ON the same weekend as the Gold Coast Suns were thumped by 80-points, the Brisbane Lions put up their worst score ever. Just in time for the QClash.
It’s a marketing dream. The ‘SOMEONE HAS TO WIN’ game.
ST KILDA SAINTS
Stephen Milne 8.2 (50) and Adam Schneider 5.0 (30) defeated Adelaide 3.6 (24), Round 18, 2011
*IT’S interesting that there are just as many small forwards in this category as there are tall, highlighting the need for decent small defenders.
This is also the biggest margin on this list, with Milne beating the Crows by 26 points. Not that we like seeing Stephen Milne win anything, but we do like the Crows losing in such humiliating circumstances.
Lance Franklin 10.2 (62) defeated Carlton 8.9 (57), Round 23, 2017
*JUST as everyone started to believe Liam Jones had found his place in defence, Buddy came along and shattered his confidence for good.
Franklin had 25 touches and 10 marks to go along with his 10 goals, which is surprisingly just the second time the Swans superstar has kicked 10+ majors in a game.
WEST COAST EAGLES
Mark LeCras 6.0 (36) and Josh Kennedy 5.1 (31) defeated St Kilda 3.11 (29), Round 8, 2016
*EASILY the most underrated small forward in the competition (at least on the east coast), LeCras is one of those blokes who pops up in the record books when you least expect him to.
And he normally has Josh Kennedy right along side him.
This game also highlights that the Saints have been bloody terrible in front of goal for the better part of two seasons now, and it doesn’t look like improving.
Stewart Crameri 7.2 (44) defeated Essendon 5.10 (40), Round 18, 2015
*YEP. The most recent individual player to down an entire team for the Bulldogs is a Geelong reserves player.