The 5 international artists who might be the secret Grand Final performers

 

zzzjoy.jpg
Always read the washing and drying instructions.

IT’S every footy fans favourite time of the year – the announcement of the pre-match entertainment.

The AFL has already announced The Living End and Vance Joy will respectively rock and put the MCG to sleep at this year’s Grand Final, and tantalisingly revealed a special international guest will also perform.

Gil – he’s such a tease.

So with that, The Hickey Stand can exclusively reveal that the 2016 pre-match entertainment votes are in, and it’s one vote, Australia, V.Joy. Two votes, Australia, T.L.End. Three votes, international………….

zzzcollins
I swear to God, if you don’t buy my turd of an album I’ll jump.

PHIL COLLINS

WE called it back in June.

From the league that brought you Chris Isaak, Tom Jones, Bryan Adams and Meat Loaf, the AFL proudly introduces “Another Irrelevant Old White Dude with a Best-Of Album Coming Out Soon”.

Phil has made all the right moves. Catchy and inoffensive pop tunes? Tick. Desperately seeking any kind of promotion he can get? Tick. Male? Tick.

We can’t say we know it’s going to happen, but let’s just say we can feel it in the air.

zzzpack
James liked to rebel against his dad by wearing cricket whites wherever he went.

MARIAH CAREY

THE league has been all about bringing women into the game this year, and that might include the pre-match entertainment.

Since 2007, the only female entertainer involved in the pre-match – who wasn’t there to sing the national anthem – was Ellie Goulding last year.

So who better to bring it for the ladies than the Queen Diva herself?

Sure, there are other candidates. But Beyonce’s too expensive, Katy Perry’s too risque, Kylie Minogue’s too Australian and Whitney Houston’s too dead.

No doubt Mariah’s fiance, James Packer, has had a quiet word in Gil’s ear about a nice little deal he can do renting out Crown Palladium for the Brownlow this year as well.

 

zzzlionel
I love all of you! Except that guy. I don’t like that guy.

LIONEL RICHIE: PART II

LET’S be honest, the only reason the old dude experiment has lasted is because Lionel Richie danced the fucking ceiling off at the 2010 Grand Final replay.

If the AFL wants to recapture that magic, all they need to do is book ol’ Lionel again, right? Right!? Wrong.

The only reason Lionel was a success was because the replay was such a complete and utter novelty to each and every AFL fan in the world.

Saints and Pies supporters turned up to the MCG for the second time in two weeks riding a high of not only being a part of something that had only happened twice previously, but knowing that both of their teams had a realistic chance of winning the flag given the score from the previous game.

The AFL could have put Mark “Jacko” Jackson on stage and told him to sing I’m An Individual 10 times in a row and the crowd would have danced and acted like jovial dickheads.

zzzbbb.jpg
Wang’s fat doobie was all about dat bad boy image.

TF BOYS

IN a completely misguided attempt to appeal to the Chinese market, the AFL hires chart-topping Chinese sensations TF Boys to rock the ‘G.

Who can forget smash hits like Magic Castle, Love With You and For Dreams, Always Be Ready?

Like the Chinese version of One Direction, the TF Boys would be taunted and booed until my throat was sore.

jessica_mauboy_facebook.105751423db8053718ac51b322a29b94
Mauboy was excited by the prospect of surpassing Marina Pryor as the woman to sing the national anthem the most times at sporting events. Julie Anthony is untouchable.

JESSICA MAUBOY

YEAH she’s not an international act.

But it’s the age-old question: If a major sporting event is held in Australia and Jessica Mauboy doesn’t perform, is it really a  major sporting event?

Plus she’s got a new show coming up on Channel 7 called The Secret Daughter. Can anyone say cross-promotion?

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s