The God: Tony Modra. A true miracle worker, Godra is a chilled-out deity that encourages hard work on Saturdays, before catching some mad waves the rest of the week.
The Prophet: Tex Walker. With the false prophet Dangerfield cast out for his non-believing ways, captain Tex follows the word of Godra by kickin’ bags and lovin’ WAGs.
The Devil: Anyone wearing a Port Adelaide jumper.
The Dogma: Apart from the Crows, there is no name by which man can be saved in South Australia.
The Holy Land: Football Park. Followers must visit at least once a year in bright yellow Camry Crows baseball caps.
The God: Jonathan Brown. After a brief fling with the fire-god Voss, the Lions faithful were shown a vision of their true saviour after knocking-off a slab at the Flying Horse in Warrnambool.
The Prophet: Mitch Robinson. The fallen idol, redeemed by his pilgrimage north to the Holy Land, will lead his people into a new era of prosperity.
The Devil: The NRL and its constant temptation of success.
The Dogma: We are the pride of Brisbane town, unless we’re not winning then we don’t really care.
The Holy Land: The Gabba. Worshippers should bring sunscreen and half an idea about what a “Fitzroy” is.
The God: Stephen Silvagni. A story of resurrection, the SOS god was born into the Blue religion before being defeated by the evil Milburn. The SOS has now returned to cast his light on Princes Park.
The Prophet: Jack Silvagni. The son of a god, who was the son of a god. No pressure, kid.
The Devil: The Milburn. Still feared by the most devout Blue followers, it is said that if you watch the ball too closely at a Carlton match, The Milburn may appear and knock you the fuck out.
The Dogma: It’s all Eddie’s fault.
The Holy Land: Princes Park. If you sit still enough and the breeze is blowing a stiff northerly, you can sometimes feel a tinge of relevance.
The God: Nathan Buckley. Just ask him.
The Prophet: More like the disciples. Taylor Adams. Jeremy Howe. James Aish. They all reek of Collingwood with their sleeve tattoos, their mongrel attitudes and (I assume) complete lack of hygiene.
The Devil: All of you. Every single one of you non-believers. You’ve all been led astray and they’ll be holding up placards at your funeral saying “Bucks hates flags” because they’re illiterate and the phrase actually makes sense.
The Dogma: Nothing is greater than the club. Not education. Not dentistry. Nuffin’.
The Holy Land: Victoria Park. Followers gather to chant Cooooolllllingwoooood in unison and reminisce about racism.
The God: James Hird. This is all just a test of your faith. Believe in him. Believe in the Golden Boy and he will reward you with eternal life through questionable steroid regimens.
The Prophet: Jobe Watson. Open your eyes to the book of Jobe. You will see that his faith in God will reward him one day, years after losing his Brownlow, and his league-wide respect, and his career.
The Devil: Dank. They dare not speak his first name lest he come to life and forcibly inject them with only halfa-sorta permission.
The Dogma: In James we trust.
The Holy Land: Windy Hill. Supporters are encouraged to congregate in June and proceed to stick their heads in the mud.
The God: Matthew Pavlich. But only when he has his Superman cape on. Then it’s Wharfie time.
The Prophet: Pav. When he hasn’t got his Superman cape on, he’s the Messiah who was crucified on the anchor and died for the Dockers sins without a premiership.
The Devil: Ross Lyon. The devil in disguise, Dockers followers can’t see that he is tempting them with success with no intentions of ever delivering. They are yet to learn from St Kilda’s blind faith.
The Dogma: Freo, there’s a way to go.
The Holy Land: Subiaco Oval. A ceremonial biff between Michael Gardiner and Dale Kickett decides whether the Eagles or the Dockers can worship that day.
The God: Gary Ablett Sr. Followers have learned to turn a blind eye to his more questionable acts and focus more on the verses that suit them.
The Prophet: Gary Ablett Jr. Although he is gone, the faithful believe he will one day be resurrected in the blue and white and cast all others into damnation.
The Devil: Gary Ayres. Known in folklore as the three Garys, The God brought life to Sleepy Hollow, The Prophet brought salvation, and The Devil brought pure darkness. Elders suggest The Devil’s origin story starts in the darkest and most evil place of all – Glenferrie.
The Dogma: On the first day God created the Ablett family.
The Holy Land: Kardinia Park. Followers gather on Saturdays to sit in respectful silence when winning, and foul-mouthed hatred when losing.
The God: Gary Ablett Jr. An offshoot of the religion of Geelong, Gold Coast followers only believe in the teachings of Gaz from 2011 onwards. Rumour has it he sacrificed his hair in order to find ultimate truth.
The Prophet: Jaeger O’Meara. When the God is not available, it is on the Prophet to spread the word of victory. When the Prophet is not available…well they’re pretty much fucked.
The Devil: The Gold Coast nightlife. Too many of the disciples have been led astray by its bright lights, dark corners and white powder.
The Dogma: We’re here for a good time, not a long time.
The Holy Land: Carrara. Only for reminiscing of the days when Brisbane were as bad as the Suns.
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY
The God: Tony Popovic. He loves it when you call him Big Poppa.
The Prophet: Dario Vidosic. He is yet to convince the entire congregation, with many still following the word of Ono, but most have seen the light.
The Devil: Rebecca Wilson and David Gallop. They spread hateful words about the loving, peaceful and flare-free religion of Wandering.
The Dogma: Getting a point for missing is silly.
The Holy Land: Pirtek Stadium, where you can chant and support and act like aggressive knobs in peace.